Forwarded to Farkle
by sand1128
Summary: From the moment the word brother left Riley's lips- Lucas' world turned upside down. Unable to talk to her, he wrote her emails & sent them to Farkle... Who saved them in case they were ever needed. The "triangle" is done but ppl have her questioning Lucas' decision. The only way to prove it was her all along? Show her everything "Forwarded to Farkle"
1. Oh Brother

A/N: While not necessary, I suggest reading a few of my other Rucas/triangle based fics as moments from those stories will appear throughout this story.

The Farkle Files The Corcas Texts Teach me to Play Pictures Chasing Riley

Chapter 1- Oh Brother!

Farkle's POV

I held the door open for Riley as she walked in. My heart hurts to see the worn, tired look on her face. I don't know why people can't just leave her and Lucas alone. Why must everyone continue to speculate on their relationship? They are together…. deal with it. There was nothing snap about Lucas' decision. Truth is? There never was a decision to be made. It has always been Riley. The issue Lucas faced was always how to them that it was Riley. His hesitancy in telling her how he felt was the fear of hurting the other one. Riley has shown to put her feelings above her own so it was not a stretch to assume she would be hurt on her behalf.

I thought we were finally passed the madness. Lucas and Riley made things official during our Nature trip to the Ski Lodge….not that there weren't some worrisome moments during that trip but in the end things were as they should have been all along.

"Hi Farkle" she greets me with a whisper

"Hey Riles. You OK?" I ask knowing full well she is not. I know my sister better than most and she isn't even really trying to hide anything this time. I follow her into my room. She sits down on the corner of my bed and stares at her hands.

"What if they are right? What if he made a snap decision and now regrets it?"

"Riley. I'm telling you that they are so very, very wrong. There was nothing snap about his decision and I know for a fact he doesn't regret it."

"But how do you know?"

"I'm also his best friend, not just yours. I see how he looks at you…how he has always looked at you."

"How does he look at me?"

"Like you are the ocean and he's dying to drown."

"But…"

"No buts Riley. I thought you agreed to talk to him about the important things?"

"I did but I'm afraid"

"Why? Everything he has gone through since that night in Texas was in an effort to avoid hurting you."

"Yeah, but…"

"But nothing. I have proof that it was not a snap decision. That it has always been you."

"Proof? What kind of proof?"

"He sent me emails with attachments. The attachments were letters to you. He said they say everything he wanted to say but couldn't"

"Really? What did they say?"

"Don't know. I never opened them. They are all saved in a folder in my Outlook Inbox. You will see that they are all still unread. You will see the time and date he sent them to me."

"All? How many did he send?"

"Around 10 or so….but you will know shortly because you are going to sit here and read them."

"Read them?! Why would I do that? If he wanted me to read them, why didn't he send them to me?"

"He didn't send them to you because he felt he had no "voice" in the situation. YOU controlled everything. He wanted to make sure YOU weren't hurt, either directly or indirectly. So he wrote his feelings out and sent them to me. I think he was afraid that he would give in to temptation and send them to you before you were ready to read them."

"And I'm ready now?"

"Yes, I think you are. This nonsense has to stop. You need to stop listening to the "Non-Rucas" shippers and listen to your heart….and his"

"Non-Rucas shippers? What does that even mean?"

"I mean our classmates. The ones who think everything they see means more than it does. Remember your dad told us "Perception of a thing doesn't make it so? That's what he was talking about. They perceive your relationship with Lucas to be the way they see it and they don't care who they hurt when they spout off."

"Oh." She looked down at her knees again. "I wish I knew why everyone was so against us being together. Why they think we would make each other miserable."

I kneel before her and stare at her until she lifts her head and meets my eyes "Riley, they don't know him…. heck they don't know you that well. Take it from me…Izzy…Zay and Lucas, you guys are perfect for each other." Her face breaks out into a smile….a real Riley smile.

"Now, I want you to sit at my desk and read his emails. I promise you. There will be no question about his feelings."

"OK." She wiped her hands on her jeans, took a deep breath and stood. As she walked over to my desk, I logged into my email account and pulled up the folder.

 **From Lucas to Riley** **(12)**

"You are all set Riles. I'm going to go into the game room and give you some privacy. Yell for me if you need me OK?"

"OK. Thanks Farkle."

I walk out of the room and look back as she opens the first email

"Riley-

 _I'm writing to you because you won't talk to me and I need to say what's on my mind before I lose it. In the span of a few hours, I have gone from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows…shockingly enough? You were a big part of both of them._

 _I can never thank you enough for the support and encouragement you offered me in my quest to master Tombstone the bull. It was your faith in me that gave me the confidence I needed._

 _Thank you for staying behind and watching. It meant a lot to me to know that you were there cheering me on._

 _I meant what I said earlier, you are very important to me. I don't know that I would have survived my move to NY without you._

 _You also directly influenced my lowest moment… I was preparing to ask you to make us an official couple when you dropped the brother bomb on me. I'm still not quite sure I know what that means. I'm also not sure how we got to this point._

 _How did things get to this point between us? I thought we both agreed to move our relationship at our own pace. To not let peer pressure influence what we do._

 _What did I miss? When did your feelings change? I'm not sure why you think that I won't always be around for you to talk to._

 _In all honesty? You're my best friend (please don't tell Zay or Farkle- they won't understand) you are the first person I think of when I wake and the last one on my mind before I fall asleep. You are also the first person I want to tell all of my stories to, good and bad._

 _The house is quiet now. I think everyone is asleep except for me. I want nothing more than to barge into the guest room and make you talk to me. I won't but I want to._

 _I hope we can talk about this in the morning. I need to understand and I need to know if there is anything I can do to fix this… There has to be something…._

 _Chances are you'll never see this so I'm just going to say what I need to… I think I'm in love with you… Scratch that… I know that I am & now I'm kicking myself for not telling you sooner. I was going to tell you tonight in front of the Riley Committee. I wanted them to be there when I told you… Wanted them to know they would never have to protect you from me… Never thought I would need protection from you. I love you Riley Matthews… Not sure that it will matter to you now but I had to say it." _

_Lucas_


	2. Possible Consequences

Chapter 2- Possible Consequences

Riley-

I'm not going to lie.

I don't understand anything that has happened in the last few days.

Don't understand how we fell apart so far...so fast. Don't understand why you are so certain that we wouldn't be in each other's lives if we found out we couldn't be more than just friends. It took all the willpower I had to not grab onto you and hold on to you with everything in me.

No matter what happens, we were, are and will always be friends.

Now that I've had you in my life? I can't imagine you not being there. I don't want to think of us as siblings because that is not how I think of you...you are many things to me Riley but I will never see you as my sister.

This is not going to be easy to admit but after you and Farkle left the campfire earlier tonight...something _**almost**_ happened. She was teasing me as usual and kept harping on the brother thing and I just reacted. I grabbed her face and I leaned in but _**nothing**_ happened. I froze and I couldn't do anything. As I looked into eyes that were blue and not brown- I realized 2 critical things... it wasn't _**YOU**_ and if I didn't stop just reacting? It would _**NEVER**_ be you and that is/was/will never be something I want to risk.

You walked away from me tonight without explaining anything that has happened between us in the last 24 hours. I can't get you to talk to me so I'm going to write out what I want to say.

I'm not ready to start thinking of us that way.

For some reason, you've decided to give up on me...on us...well, I'm not ready to do that just yet. There has to be something I can do to fix this. I am begging you to talk to me please!

I need to understand what's gone on. I need to know how I lost a battle I didn't even know I was in. I'm going to fight for us _...we are never going to be brother and sister, not in a million different years, or a million different lifetimes. I can think of a million different scenarios, a million different ways that I'd go back and change the past if I could_. I'm not giving up. We need to figure this out together.

I wish I knew why and how we drifted so far apart.

How did I not know that this was a possibility?

How was I know to know that while I was looking for us to move forward, you were looking to move on?

I love you Riley Matthews

ALWAYS

Lucas


	3. Safe in my Shoes

Riley-

I'm lost.

I don't know how to get through to you. I NEED you to explain things to me!

Today has been brutal.

It started out fine...no it started out great. You actually talked to me this morning. I'm glad you said you would always believe in me. The rest of the day? Sucked. There is no polite way of phrasing it.

Not only did she make it sound like something happened...in front of the class no less (I swear nothing happened) but I had to sit there and not react when you told Charlie... Charlie Friggin' Gardner that you would go out with him. One of my worst fears were coming true right in front of my eyes and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it.

But what I felt in that moment was nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to what I felt when I was at your house.

Not only was I extremely uncomfortable when you asked me for advice about dating someone else...but I was devastated when I realized that your dad was OK with my being in your room. Knowing that my shoes were safe...upset me more than I can express. I guess he doesn't think he needs to chase your "brother" out the window.

I even texted your dad about today and he was no help….

 _Text from Lucas_

 _ **3pm: Hoover Dam? That's the best you got? She agreed to go out with Charlie! What's the lesson here, Matthews? There has to be a lesson right?**_

3:15pm: Sorry Lucas. I've got nothing

 _Text from Lucas_

 _ **6pm: Why didn't you chase me out of her room? Why are you suddenly OK with me being there?**_

6:13pm **THE NUMBER YOU HAVE REACHED IS NOT CURNTLY IN SERVICE**

 _ **6:16pm Nice try Matthews, spell check is your friend.**_

I need to know if there were signs I missed…. How did I not know that I was losing you? When did your feelings change?

I don't know how to do this! How do I stop feeling this way about you?

Damn it Riley!

I'm not your brother... I don't want to be your brother! I just want to be yours and for you to be mine.

Just wish I knew when you decided you wanted something or someone else.

Even though you don't want it and you will likely never know- my heart is still yours. Nothing has changed for me…. I still want you to be mine.

I love you Riley… Always

Lucas


	4. Losing His Cool

Chapter 4: Losing His Cool

Riley-

Just got out of the shower… your BFF poured 2 smoothies over my head… no idea why.

Seems to be a common thing for me lately…having no idea why anything is happening to me. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone or something.

Where did we go wrong?

When did we fall apart?

I walked into your mom's bakery tonight with the intent of making you talk to me. I spoke to Auggie and he made it clear he is your only brother…which is fine with me… I don't want to be your brother. I promised him that I wouldn't hurt you…. seems someone should have gotten you to make that promise about me.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw you in your blue dress…you looked as beautiful as always but I can't tell you that anymore. You took my right to say things like that and gave it to him.

Why?

Why is this happening?

I had to stand there and listen to him talk about your date.

Listen while he talked about popcorn and licorice…. if he is going to take you out- he should've known that it's popcorn and chocolate.

I have to admit when he said "He's me now" I wanted to hurt him but hurting him would've meant hurting you and that I can't do.

I wish I knew what to do or at least what you expect of me now.

Things haven't changed with how she treats me so I see nothing to support your claim that more than friendly feelings are there. At least not between her and I.

I'm going to be brutally honest, I'm angry over this whole situation. No one has talked to **ME** …or has asked **ME** what I want or how I feel. Everyone is just assuming I'll blindly follow along because why not? I'm the guy most likely to go along with anything right? Why should **MY** feelings about any of it matter?

I think one of the things that upsets me the most? You said you wanted to make sure I would always be there to talk to yet…you're not talking to me. We exchange platitudes and casual conversation, just like you would with anyone you passed on the street.

What happened between us Riley?

How did we get here?

How did we go from unofficial to nonexistent? From best friends to whatever the hell this is now?!

I said I'm not your brother…so you asked me what I would be?

I guess I'm waiting on you to answer that question for me.

While you're at it…maybe you can explain what Farkle was talking about before you pulled him out of the room. Why did you do that? I guess it's just something else to add to the list of things I don't understand.

I will tell you the only things I am absolutely certain about…

I am **NOT** your brother

I am **NOT** okay with what is happening to us

I am **NOT** okay with you not talking to me

I am **NOT** okay with you throwing us away.

 _I love you… always._

 _ **That**_? I am certain of.

Lucas


	5. Deafening Silence

**A/N:** Thank you for your patience! I had a project at work that required my full focus and attention. For those that sent nasty messages? Feel free to stop reading. I'm not going to apologize for having real life responsibilities. As much as I would love to write Rucas fics all day- the bank requires that my mortgage payment be made with actual money…not fictional stories… so my butt has to go to work. For the rest of you? I hope you enjoy this update. I will admit that this one hurt.

 **Chapter 5: Deafening Silence**

 **New Year's Eve**

 _Riley-_

 _It's NYE and I had hoped we would have spoken about everything by now. I have to admit that I was upset to think that you didn't want me at your party tonight. If nothing else- I hope you know that you are my best friend. The thought of losing your friendship scares me more than I'd like to admit. I meant what I told you in Texas. I don't think I would have survived NY without you._

 _I'm going to be heading to your house in about 20 minutes. My only wish for this NYE? That you are at my side when the clock strikes 12. As much as I'd like you to be standing there as something other than my friend, I'd just be happy to be near you again._

 _Hopefully, this is the last letter I have to write._

 _All my love,_

 _Lucas_

 _ **1am New Year's Day**_

 _Riley-_

 _Just got home from your house._

 _Friends talk and real friends listen…remember Riley? You did neither….._

 _You decided what we were and wouldn't even talk to me about it._

 _Wouldn't let me fight for you…for us._

 _And tonight, after weeks of walking around missing my best friend, of wondering what went wrong, wondering how to fix things so I could tell you I loved you and I find out…. from someone_ _ **OTHER**_ _than you…. that you_ _ **LIED**_ _!_

 _Damn you. I'm feeling so many things right now…. I'm relieved and happy but I'm also mad and beyond else? I'm hurt._

 _Let's see if I can recap the rollercoaster night I just had._

 _I got to your apartment and you were standing in the doorway. I could've waited for you to move… could've said excuse me but I did neither. I got as close to you as I could without bumping into you. You probably think I'm crazy but I needed to be close to you…even if it was only for a brief moment. It was long enough for my heart to know that you were near and to begin its standard pounding…what I call its Riley Rhythm._

 _We exchanged pleasantries, I hate how formal we've become and then Charlie decided we all needed to play the "Couples game". He was going to show me that he knew you better, he was going to try and convince you that you belonged with him. What an asshat. I wanted to knock his block off every time he mentioned one of your quirks. I only refrained because of you, you are my reason for not slipping back into the guy I used to be._

 _For what it's worth?_

 _I'm a library guy, all day, every day but you took away my right to say that._

 _I didn't want to say anything to hurt the other one and you won't let me say a damn thing anymore so I ate the card… didn't hurt as much as swallowing my words have these last few months._

 _I watched you drag Farkle to the rooftop…watched you talk to Charlie… all while silently begging you to come over and talk to me._

 _Watched as Farkle stopped you in your tracks, and cause my heart to race with a just a few words. "Riley still loves Lucas" 4 words… who knew that 4 little words could absolutely rock my world? Words that I would have given anything to hear from_ _ **YOU**_ _…._ _ **NOT**_ _him. I guess I know what you've been hiding. Why Farkle has been acting so strange._

 _Then in a strange little "twist" the 3 of us sat there on that bench not saying a word. I couldn't even get you to look at me._

 _Tell me… did you hear my heart pounding when we sat there oh so quietly?_

 _Did you feel my anger start to build? Yes, I'm angry._

 _I'm angry at Farkle for not telling me what he knew, for keeping silent when he knew how much I agonized over what could have gone wrong between us. I'm also angry at him for announcing it in front of everyone. He could've waited until everyone had left._

 _I'm also angry with you Riley. I don't understand why you lied to me? Why did you call me your brother? Did you think I wouldn't be hurt? How could I not be? You stopped talking to me! Yes, I was upset at the thought of losing the chance to be more than friends but nothing, absolutely nothing hurt worse than realizing I had lost my best friend and I didn't have a damn clue as to why! You stood on that dance floor in Texas and said you always wanted to be able to talk to me… so tell me… why that changed._

 _I don't know what to think anymore._

 _I love you Riley but if I'm brutally honest? Right now there is a part of me that doesn't like you very much at the moment. I'm sorry for saying that but I don't know how else to phrase it. I'm confused and just don't know what to think. I'm feeling so many things right now. I'm happy, relieved, mad, hurt… I didn't think it was possible to feel so many emotions at once._

 _It's almost 3am. I'm going to try and get some sleep…I'm sure I'll be dreaming about us._

 _I'm hoping when I wake up in the morning, I will feel a little less confused and be ready to move forward. We need to talk about this._

 _Although you will probably never read this- I hope you are sleeping and dreaming of us too._

 _I love you Riley and now that I know you love me too? I'm looking forward to talking to my best friend again._

 _Lucas_

 _ **8am New Year's Day**_

 _Riley-_

 _I was only able to sleep a short time, my mind and heart wouldn't stop racing. I can't wait until it's a little later so I can call/text you._

 _After months of confusion, I'm hoping that we can talk about everything and how we are going to move forward from here. I'm anxious to talk to you again. I've missed our talks. I don't care what we talk about after we finish our discussion. We can talk about anything you want._

 _I think I'm going to go for a run. Help get some of this energy out of my system and it will help pass the time until I can see you._

 _ **10am**_

 _Just called and texted… guess you are still sleeping… hope you are dreaming sweet dreams_

 _ **11am**_

 _Called and texted again…. still no answer… I know you like your sleep but wake up! LOL_

 _ **12pm**_

 _Called and texted… still no answer… I'm going to head to your house. My guess is you forgot to charge your phone._

 _ **1pm**_

 _Riley… the window was locked. I called your house and your dad said you are home. I'm outside on the fire escape._

 _ **1:30pm**_

 _Riley? Where are you?_

 _ **2pm**_

 _I'm back at my house trying to warm up. Spoke to your mom when I called this time. She said you're home. Said as far as she knows your cell is charged- you've been watching videos on it all day._

 _ **4pm**_

 _Texted, called, went to the window… nothing. What's going on Riley?_

 _ **6pm**_

 _Ok… are you ignoring me? What's the story? Are we really not going to talk about last night?! Riley, please answer me. I have so many questions to ask and so much to say… including the fact that I love you too._

 _ **9pm**_

 _Wow. I guess I've finally gotten the hint. We're not going to talk about this are we? How can we not?_

 _I texted Farkle before and he said he heard from you today…granted he said you weren't happy but he at least got a response. He apologized to me too. Said you were his main concern… can't fault him for that since you are my main concern as well._

 _He told me when he figured it all out._

 _Said he knew you were lying back in Texas and that he all but begged you to tell me. Said he warned you that if you didn't tell me- he would. Said you guys talked about it in detail the night you went out with Charlie Friggin' Gardner._

 _How?_

 _Why?_

 _How could you go out with him if you had feelings for me?_

 _How could you just walk away from us?_

 _Why?_

 _Why are we not talking about this?_

 _Why do I feel like you are going to pretend like nothing was ever said last night?_

 _Why are we falling further apart when we should be finally coming together?_

 _Riley- I need you to tell me how I'm supposed to do this._

 _You wouldn't let me fight for us in Texas. Appears you're not going to let me fight for us now… so tell me what I'm supposed to do._

 _Am I supposed to pretend like my heart isn't breaking?_

 _Tell me… you seem to have it all worked out. So before you turn your back on yesterday, before you give me that fake "Everything's fine" smile… tell me how I'm supposed to pretend that I haven't lost everything I've been dreaming about?_

 _I thought you broke my heart in Texas… boy was I wrong. At least then I thought I would still have my best friend. Now? All I have is the memory of the words I desperately wanted to hear, spoken by someone other than the one I wanted to hear them from and the kicker? None of it seems to mean a damn thing to you._

 _I love you, Riley._

 _Even if I never get the chance to tell you._

 _Lucas_

Unbeknownst to Riley, she had let out a pained gasp while reading the letter. Upon hearing her, Farkle hung up on Lucas, ran out of his game room and into his bedroom. He stopped in his tracks when Riley looked up, tears streaming down her face.

He walked to her side and knelt next to the desk chair.

It hurt to look at her, he had a feeling that this was going to happen, but it needed to. She needed to know that Lucas had suffered through the whole "triangle" that wasn't… needed to know that his feelings for her were there all along. Needed incontrovertible proof that his decision was not a spur of the moment one.

"Riley?"

"Farkle? How did I not know? How did I not see what I was doing to him? How is it that he still wants anything to do with me?" Riley sobs as she stutters through her questions.

"You didn't know because you were too busy trying to hide your own feelings. He still wants everything to do with you. He loves you, Riley. Always has."

"Why did you make me read these emails? Did you want to make me suffer?"

"Riley Elizabeth Matthews! You know me better than that! Everything I have done has been FOR you…including this. You need to understand everything that happened. Everything that he went through… all for you. You need to read these emails so that it finally sinks in, that it's you… that it has always been you. There was nothing snap about his decision. There _**WASN'T**_ a decision to be made. It's been you since day 1." Farkle implores her to understand. Her sobbing has quieted down, her tears are still flowing freely but her gasping for breath has stopped. Riley attempts to rise to her feet but Farkle gently pushes her back down.

"You're not done yet. You've only gotten through the first few. There are more. Don't give me that look. You are going to read each and everyone one of them… today. This has all gone on for far too long. You are going to read them & then everything will be made clear.

Perhaps then you will stop letting everyone else get in your head. There are only 2 people who have any say in your relationship.

You and Lucas. That's it… no one else.

I don't give a damn what our classmates say… honestly? What your friends think shouldn't matter either… but we all went through this madness with you, so I will say this… you belong together. Always have… always will.

Now as the guy whose best friends to both of you? Wipe your eyes, blow your nose, take a deep breath, finish reading these emails and then go to him." Farkle stands, walks out of his bedroom door, and walks headlong into a wild-eyed Lucas. Farkle raises his finger to his lips in a shushing motion and pushes Lucas into the game room.

"I got here as fast as I could. What's going on? What's wrong?" Lucas asks in a frantic whisper.

"What makes you think something's wrong?"

"Don't play coy with me Minkus. You said oh crap and hung up on me" his heart racing and his need to see Riley nearing desperation, Lucas turns towards the door… Farkle jumps in front of him.

"No! You can't see her yet!" Farkle pushes Lucas in the chest.

Lucas is enraged "What? Of course, I'm going to her. She's upset. She needs to know I'm here, she needs…"

"She needs to finish reading __ _ **ALL**_ of the letters Lucas. She just finished New Years. She needs to read them all…for both of you." Farkle interrupts.

Lucas sighs and hangs his head. "Fine but I need to at least see her. I can't be this close and not at least see her."

"Fine, we will go to the door, you peek in, see her and then we come right back here. I'm telling you, Lucas. I know it hurts both of you right now but this has to happen. There is no way in hell there will ever be any question about your feelings after she finishes reading all of the letters."

"Ok. Now let's go peek so I can see her for myself"

Lucas and Farkle walk to the door, Farkle flattens himself along the hallway wall on one side of the door, Lucas does the same on the other side. Farkle watches as Lucas slowly leans his head forward, he can tell when he spots her as his fists clench and his brow furrows. He knows that Lucas is fighting himself. Knows that he wants to storm into the room and wrap her in his arms. He watches as Lucas leans back and rests his head on the hallway wall, watches as his eyes shut tight, watches as his chest rises and falls with each calming breath. He silently heads back to the game room a subdued Lucas at his side.

Riley lifts her head from her hands and spins around in her chair frantically looking for Lucas. Even though she's alone, she swears she can feel his presence. It helps calm her, the tears stop falling, her heart stops pounding… she takes a deep breath, turns back to the computer and opens the next letter.


	6. Ghost of You and Me

February 14

Riley-

It's Valentine's Day and instead of bringing you flowers and asking you to be my Valentine, I'm

left asking myself why.

Why is this happening to me? To us?

The last few months have been surreal. Down is up...in is out. Everything is in muted tones except you. I still see you in full color and hear you at full volume. It's like I come alive when you are near.

I walked to your house today... stood on the sidewalk and stared at your window. I caught a quick glimpse of you and had to fight to keep myself from climbing up the fire escape and demanding that you talk to me. I don't know what we are now... I only know what we are not. We are not siblings.

We are not "unofficial" anymore.

What hurts the most?

Wondering if we are ever going to be anything ever again.

I miss our friendship.

I miss talking to you.

Honestly? I miss everything about you.

Happy Valentine's Day Riley.

Wow how I wish I had the right to tell you that... and this.

I love you, Riley Matthews. Always

March 21

Riley-

I can't tell you how much writing these letters to you has helped me stay sane.

I'm sure you will never know of their existence let alone read them but writing them helps me get things off my chest.

After I write them, I forward them to Farkle. I send them to him to stop myself from sending them to you. How I wish you would talk to me. I'm not sure what it is you expect me to do these days. I tried to go out with her but I honestly don't think either one of us really wanted to be there.

I know that I wanted to be the one taking you to the movies that night. Knowing that CFG took you and that you grabbed his arm when you were scared upsets me. It should have been me... but you won't let it be me.

I miss you Riley.

I miss my best friend. My mom asks about you all the time. She knows the story, knows how I feel about you...about us.

Most people would say that I'm too young to feel so strongly for you...but they don't know me...they don't know you. Anyone who knows us would totally understand.

Did you know that I consider my life in Texas to be BR and my life in NY to be AR?

I'm sure you're wondering what that means... it means you.

BR or Before Riley represents the time in my life where I wasn't who I wanted to be.

AR or After Riley represents my life since having met you. You have encouraged me to be who I want to be. I want to be the best version of me because I like who I am when I'm with you.

I know our classmates think I'm a fire guy... maybe BR I was but now? I'm a summer rain guy all the way.

I started playing the guitar again, still don't have the best rhythm but it's improving, slowly. Music has been my go to since we got back from Texas...since everything happened. I often find myself getting lost in the lyrics and the meaning behind them.

Part of me wants to make you a copy of my Riley playlist. They are all songs that say what I want to...but can't. I think the one that means the most to me now is "You Don't Know Her like I Do". It's all about a guy watching his best friend walk away. About him telling people that they won't understand because they don't know her like he does. That's how I feel. No one will understand how much it hurts me to not be around you all the time.

Not being able to walk you home. Not being able climb in your window. Not being able to brush the hair out of your eyes.

I know no one will understand how much it hurt when your dad stopped chasing me out of your room.

I miss you Riley.

I miss listening to you rant about the Knicks or you giggling as you tell me about what Auggie said that morning.

I hate this.

I hate being whoever I'm supposed to be now.

I want you back.

I want my best friend back.

I want us back.

Just wish I knew if you wanted any part of any of it.

I love you, Riley. Always

April 20

I did it again today.

Something caught my attention and I turned to tell you but you weren't there.

Happens to me a lot these days. I'll see something or hear something that I think you would like or that would make you laugh but you're not there. It's like a part of me is missing.

I think the worst is when I hear a laugh that sounds like yours or I catch a glimpse of someone that I think could be you... it's those moments that I wonder if we've fallen apart too far for us to ever come back.

I need us back...in whatever capacity I can have.

If I've learned anything over the weeks and months since Texas?

Life without my best friend is no life at all.

This is going to sound crazy but sometimes? I sit on the bench on your roof & just look at the stars. I need the comfort of being near you and these days it seems to be the only way I can get close to you anymore.

I wish I knew how to fix this.

Wish I knew what to say so that no one gets hurt. My biggest fear is telling everyone that it's you, that it's always been you, & losing you because I hurt the other one.

I want to know if you ever see yourself letting someone in as much as you have let her in?

I've always known who she is to you. I'm not asking for you to replace her with me. I just want to be considered an option. You can have more than one best friend. I know I have more than one. Zay and Farkle are my best guy friends. But, you are the first one I think of when it comes to my absolute best friend.

Riley- I need to talk to you, need to know if we can come back from this.

Need to know if I will ever matter as much to you as you do to me.

I love you Riles. Always

May 23

Riley-

Tonight, I damn near reached my breaking point with this whole situation!

We were all at the movies, I all but hip checked Zay out of my way so I could sit next to you. You were in the aisle seat and he went to sit next to you, I had to bump him out of my way. There was no way I was going to let anyone else sit next to you. Don't know if you realized it but I spent more time watching you than the actual movie. I saw you hide your face in your sweatshirt during a creepy part, I wanted to put my arm around you, pull you close and remind you that I would keep you safe. I will always protect you.

The most upsetting part of the night was when you jumped, started to grab me but you stopped yourself from closing your hand on my arm. Could you feel my heart race when your skin touched mine? I desperately wanted to grab your hand and put it on my arm…. just like you used to do when you were scared.

In the split second our eyes met, could you see how much I wanted things to be the way they used to be? You gave me one of your thin, empty smiles and I wanted to punch something. It took everything in me to not follow you when you left your seat and to not lose my mind when you came back and sat at the other end of the row.

I want to throw you over my shoulder & lock us away somewhere so we can finally talk about all of this...madness.

Talk about Texas. NYE & everything in between. The why? The how? The present and most importantly? The future.

I need to know how we got here, why we're still here and how we can leave here and never look back.

Until then? I'm left to wait and wonder why I'm living with the ghost of you & me.

Love you Riles…. Always

Lucas


	7. Legacy of the Lost

Chapter 7- Legacy of the Lost

Riley-

After everything we've been through, after months of wondering what went wrong, of agonizing over how to fix things between us... it's come to this.

As of today? I'm done.

Done trying to figure out how to make you and I an us again.

Done trying to figure out how to tiptoe around the situation to avoid hurting anyone.

I talked to my mom today... she's the one who told me that the best thing I could do is stop.

She told me that since I never made it clear that my more than friendship feelings are for you and you alone...it looks like I'm undecided.

I explained how a decision was never needed, I know how I feel and I know who I feel it for.

She told me that the only thing I can do at this point is to just be friends with you both.

To give up on the idea of you and I ever being more.

I'm not quite ready to give up on that idea but I am willing to table it until such a time that you are ready to talk to me

I am so afraid of coming between the 2 of you and you hating me for it, that I'm hesitant to do anything.

I'm heading to your house now... I'm going to put a stop to it all.

Now if I could just get my heart to listen

I love you, Riley even if I have to pretend that I don't

Riley-

Just walked in from your house.

I'm beyond exhausted.

That was, without a doubt, one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I wanted nothing more to just tell you how I feel but I don't want anything to happen to you two and I don't want this to be the end of us.

I'm sure I looked quite foolish reading from those cards but I knew that if I just spoke my mind, I wouldn't have been able to go through with it.

Do you have any idea how fast my heart was racing when you could predict what I was going to say?

Do you know how rare that is? You know me so well and until Texas? I thought I knew you too.

Could you hear my heart pounding when you said that you have felt the same since you fell into my lap on the subway? I just wanted to grab your hand in mine and pull you into my lap. I need to be close to you again.

I love you Riley Matthews, Always

Riley-

We just left your rooftop after surprising your dad with the news that he was going to be following us to HS.

I meant what I said we're not good at being _just_ friends. I want to be so much more than _just_ friends but I know that's not possible right now.

I stood on that rooftop tonight and watched you as you talked to your dad. I wanted to shout my feelings out in front of everyone and I had to bite my lip to contain myself. As I walked over to you and your dad, I thought about grabbing you by the hand and pulling you into my arms. The only thing that kept running through my mind was Farkle announcing "Riley still loves Lucas". How I hoped that meant that we would finally be together.

That not only would I get my best friend back but that we would finally move forward. I had no idea how flawed that thinking was….no idea that not only would we not move forward but that we wouldn't move AT ALL. As much as I want us to be together, the thought of not getting my best friend back guts me to the core. One of the things I want the most? I want to talk like we used to. My heart aches at the thought of never talking to you like that again.

I love you Riley…just wish I could tell you.

Riley-

My mom and I decided that it would be best for me to go spend the summer in Texas. That a break from the uncertainty of our situation could only help.

I'm leaving in the morning and tonight I had to stop myself from climbing up the fire escape to your window. I wanted to see you one last time before I left. One last time to see if you were ready to talk to me. For us to finally straighten things out, to talk about the nightmare that was Texas, the heartbreaking inaction after Farkle's NYE announcement or for me to clarify my decision to put a stop to it all. I stood on that sidewalk, completely paralyzed…when I realized that I couldn't do it. I couldn't face you because I wasn't sure I would be able to remain "unaffected" if you still weren't ready to talk.

I hope you have a great summer and selfishly? I hope you miss me as much as I miss you.

All my love,

Lucas

Riley-

I trust that your summer went well. I never heard from you other than the "Tell Pappy Joe I said Hi" message you sent the day I left NY. I stayed in contact with Farkle and Zay but neither would tell me anything about you outside of how you were. I'll be honest, I didn't ask for much more than that because if they told me that you were just fine without me, I think it would've been too much for me to take.

Monday is our first day of High School. I'm hoping to start this school year with things the way they used to be, before that awful trip to Texas. I need you back. I need us back.

I had hoped to start HS with you & I as something more, but at minimum I would love to start it with my best friend at my side.

Crossing my fingers that I will soon be able to tell you and show you that…

I love you Riley Matthews. Always

Lucas


	8. Faith No More

Riley-

Today sucked. There is no other way to say it. It flat out sucked. After the horrible day in school, not going to Topanga's to study with you, there was an altercation between Farkle, Zay & I. Rather than let my Texas side come out, I walked away. I said what was on my mind and started walking.

Without any conscious thought or direction…my feet led me to the sidewalk outside your window. I stood there staring up at your window when it finally hit me. Doesn't matter where my head is...my heart is always where you are. Sometimes my head just needs time to catch up. Farkle told me tonight that he feels like he failed you. That he was so heartbreakingly sorry for NYE. Neither of you know the roller coaster ride I've been on since he said those words. You're not too much for me Riley. I don't think that's even remotely possible. I said that because I was scared, hurt, maybe a bit of both. You said you would always believe in me & now you don't. You would always have faith in me…. that's gone too. How do I look myself in the mirror knowing I did this? That I made you doubt me? That I made you doubt us? At first I, couldn't fathom how you believed in those seniors more than me...till I realized that your belief in me was dwindling rapidly. I think you would've been shocked to hear and see Farkle's reaction. He shoved me a few times but I didn't react. I couldn't... I deserved it. Zay tried to get Texas Lucas to appear… he accused me of lying to you about how important you are to me. Said that he wanted Texas Lucas to appear because it would mean I was affected by what's going on. How can anyone think I'm not affected by what's going on?

I'm not going to lie Riley, there is a part of me that wants to blame you. This could've ended New Year's Day. We could've talked it all out and moved forward, together. Not this fractured mess we are now. This never-ending nightmare I'm trapped in? The one I never asked to be a part of? The one where everyone is so busy making their own decisions about how _I_ feel? But blaming you entirely wouldn't be fair because I must accept some responsibility for this mess.

Farkle said that he told you that you needed to change... that maybe you shouldn't believe in people so much. I almost lost it when he told me that... don't you dare change! Your belief in people is one of the most unique things about you. It's one of the things that makes you...you. I know it's your belief in me that has gotten me through everything until now. Now the thought of you not believing in me? Makes it hard to breathe. Equal? You want me to treat you both the same? Do you have any idea how exhausting the thought of that is? How do I treat you the same when I feel so differently about you?

If you know anything at all about me, if you have listened to what I've said, understood what I've tried to show with actions, you would realize that there isn't a choice. Never has been.

I know how I feel and who those feelings are for…thing is? I can't figure out how to tell the other one that I see her as a friend and nothing more without upsetting her. Ironically enough? I feel like no matter what I say or do right now? You'll be hurt and I can't allow that to happen. I'm afraid that as soon I give voice to my opinion, you'll be mad that I didn't "choose" her.

I don't need to decide because I love YOU Riley…. Always

Lucas


	9. As You Wish

Riley-

As I sit here, I can't help but think about everything….

" _Hi I'm Riley. We were just talking about you."_ I'm so glad I caught you

" _You're better than that"_ I knew immediately that you were someone special

" _Not too bad city girl"_ I'll make you a cowgirl someday.

" _I've never told this to anybody before…. I want to be a veterinarian_." I feel like I can tell you anything

" _My moment will be my moment_ "We will have thousands of moments together but I'm counting down to our first.

" _Bonjour -être un jour moi et vous serez Paris à ensemble_ " I will take you anywhere you want to go.

" _I am home_ " My home is wherever you are

" _What are you to me? ...to me you're a princess_ " You are everything.

" _Even though this just happened, there are some moments you know you're gonna remember forever. This is one of them_." You were beautiful in your purple dress

" _Those are just words Riley. Words don't change people_ " You are my favorite person to talk to. Why are we letting labels change us?

" _Of their own free will, at the right point of time_ " Pressure applied at the wrong time can turn diamonds into dust. We are diamonds.

" _I really like you, Riley_ " I hope you like me too.

" _We should break up_ " For now… it's only a temporary thing until our classmates back off

" _You better represent the Knicks_ " Listening to you rant about the Knicks was just too damn cute.

" _Friends talk & real friends listen. People who care about you are supposed to trust you with stuff_." I do trust you, I just didn't want to disappoint you

" _Are you worth it? Tell me and I'll believe you. I want to believe you. Are you worth it? Yes_ " I AM worth it Riley… I promise

" _I think a lot of you_ " I think a lot of you too

" _Would you call me Mad Dog? Would you call me Princess Dancing Sunshine_?" I will call you whatever you want...if I also get to call you mine.

" _You are a complete ray of sunshine_ " Don't ever change

" _Riley & I kinda have an unofficial thing going. You let him see your notebook_?" When this nightmare ends? There will only be 1 side to your notebook and you can show the world

" _I just naturally assumed we were going together_." I'm asking you now to accompany me to every dance through high school. No more assuming. It will be you and me.

" _Something's happening to Riley. Why wouldn't you tell me about this?_ _Did you really think there was anything you could put in this window to keep me from helping you_?" My heart stopped at the thought that someone was hurting you. I don't care what they tied me down with or what you put in your window, I needed to see you.

" _Be the hero I know you are_ " With you believing in me? How can I fail?

" _Riley, I kinda like you to watch_ " Thank you for staying with me. Knowing you were watching helped me more than you know.

" _I never would have survived NY without you. You're really important to me_ " Not going to lie, was planning for this to be my moment.

" _You are really important to me too, Lucas. We've always been really good at talking to each other. But we've never been too good at holding hands. And then we tried being a couple, and we couldn't even talk to each other. I don't want that. I want to know you're always there to talk to. You're my brother, Lucas. And I'm your sister_." Could you hear my heartbreaking?

" _That's what you think we are_?" What is happening?

" _I love you Lucas. And now I know how_." I love you too Riley but not as my sister

" _Brother and sister. Riley and I are brother and sister now. What does that even mean_?" I was so confused and hurt.

" _The only thing I know is that I wanna be able to talk to you. And that maybe this is the best way to do that._ _That's what you want?_ _You know what I don't want? I don't wanna go out for a while, break up, and not like each other anymore. Isn't that what happens next, isn't that what people do? I don't understand that, Lucas. I always want you around. Maybe the best way to do that is to be like brother and sister_." I will always be around. I can't imagine my life without you in it.

" _Riley, what are we?_ _I told you what we are._ _What if that's not what I think we are?_ _Well, then, you better start thinking of us like that_." No….no….no… not in a million years or a million different lifetimes

" _Please don't tell my sister_ " My mind may have been confused but my heart knew enough to say No.

" _Isn't it amazing how comfortable we are with each other? NO! I don't feel comfortable at all._ _  
_ _This is the kind of thing we could never do, Lucas, when we were just "Hi, hey, howdy, hi". Now you know what we are. You're my brother. Be my brother, give me advice, feel good about it, and nothing will ever be uncomfortable at all._ _Okay, lets, try. What do you need advice on_ _—the Charlie Gardner of it all. What does a first date mean in the language of boy? I want to break your code. What does he want? Tell me! What!?Yeah. Charlie Gardner, I'm not uncomfortable at all. Where's your dad? Why isn't he kicking me out?!_ _I'M IN YOUR DAUGHTER'S ROOM_!" Uncomfortable is an understatement. How did we get there? Why didn't your dad chase me out? That upset me greatly.

" _Riley has one brother in her life, and it isn't you._ _Riley's my sister. I'm her ONLY brother. And her only brother's telling you, whatever happens, don't hurt my sister_." Trust me Aug, I don't want to be her brother. I definitely don't want to hurt her. Now if you can tell her the same thing? I'd appreciate it.

" _A coincidence is just the universe's way of saying, "Hi."_ Neither one of us believes in coincidences…so it must be fate

" _You know it is possible that you're too close"_ Will you ever let me in as much? I don't want to replace her. I just want to be as close to you as possible.

" _He's like a creepy creep creep_ " I wanted to tell him to back off. That you were mine

" _Library or Campfire_?" Library..all day, every day.

" _Riley still loves Lucas_." I still love you, too.

" _Is that my boot? Can I have it back_?" I can't wait until your dad starts stealing my shoes again.

" _I don't want this to be the end of us_." Now that I've been in Rileytown? I don't ever want to leave.

" _I feel the same way about you since I fell into your lap_ " I still feel the same way too

" _I'd recognize you anywhere_ " I can find you in any crowd, anywhere. My heart goes into its Riley rhythm when you are near.

" _You are the goofiest person I know. You make me laugh 50 times a day_ " It's one of the things I love most about you.

" _That night in the library? I could have sat there talking with you forever_ " I want to talk to you forever. I want to know everything about you. Your hopes, dreams and everything in between.

I am more than ready to move past all of this. Ready to get back to being a citizen in Rileytown. Ready for you to talk to me again, to get past all of the uncertainty that this situation has caused.

During the "discussion" with Farkle and Zay about my "decision" Farkle said "I know how difficult it is to choose between them. I never could and I promised them that I never would. I promised to love them equally. That is not a promise you have made." _He's right, that is a promise I never would make because I know it's not one I could keep. Care for both of you? Absolutely. Love both of you? Absolutely Not. My feelings are for you, Riley. Only you._

 _He wanted to know if I realized that you were the first answer to every question he asked. Of course, you were the first answer every time. I could live without the other one if I had to, and I hope it doesn't come to that, but I can't live without you_

Then he "Farkle-timed" me…

"Stop trying to be Mr. Perfect. Stop trying to be the guy who just goes along with everything. You need to fix this. No matter what happens someone is going to get hurt. The time is now, this is hurting all of us and it's getting to the point where we won't be able to fix this. Honestly? I think you already know that there was never truly a decision to be made. Stop trying to keep things even because the way you are heading-things will always be even …because you will lose them both. You have to decide Lucas. If we are all going to stay friends after this? You need to do it now."

 _No, there was never a decision to be made. It's always been you Riley. Scarily enough, I think someday it could always be you._ _How do I explain this to Farkle? I know he said he couldn't choose but for me... there was never a choice. My feelings have never changed. It's you, it's always been you... But you're the one who asked me to keep things "even". How do I not do as you asked? This was what you wanted and as far as I'm concerned? This is how it has to be until you tell me otherwise._

I sat in your bay window for hours waiting for you. I spoke to your parents and to Katy. They know how I feel. The guys joined me in the window shortly before you got home. Then you crawled through and my heart started to race. Finally, after months of being caught in the middle, months of wondering how things with you went so far off track, months of feeling like I lost my best friend, this was all coming to an end. I was desperate to spend time with you…just you. Time for us to put all of this behind us and move forward as a couple.

Then you guys are telling me that my choice doesn't really matter at all? That I still can't say anything? I wanted to yell, scream and carry on but I didn't.

I'll stay quiet because it is what you have asked of me.

Someday soon, I will finally be able to tell you that

I love you Riley Matthews…. Always

Lucas


	10. Choices

Chapter 10: Choices

Riley-

Today we leave for the Ski Lodge. I hope we get to spend time together on this trip. I miss talking to you. I miss spending time with you...just you and I hope you miss me too.

Lucas

Riley-

I can't believe you hurt your ankle. I wish I could have prevented you from falling. If things were normal, I would've been by your side but since I don't want to "even" things up anymore, I've been maintaining my distance even though it kills me to stay away from you.

In some ways, I'm glad the lodge has a bay window. At least you can see the foliage.

You are quite the romantic one Riles. It's just one more thing I love about you. How you always find the beauty in everything you see.

Lucas

Riley-

Tonight, you said that it was time for the triangle to die. Please, please don't give up on me just yet. I'm going to tell the other one tomorrow that it's you... it's always been you. I just hope that you aren't mad at me for hurting her. That has been my struggle all along... but it's come down to this... I won't lose you. I can't lose you. My life would never be the same. We've already proven that we aren't good at just being friends. I think part of the reason why, at least for me, is that it is so hard to keep my feelings out of it.

I know you think I'm a coward and maybe to some extent I am. It's just the thought of losing you makes me sick.

Did you notice that even in her "movie" you were still my sole focus? It's always been that way... no matter what universe we are in? You are it.

By this time tomorrow, this should all be over. Hopefully, neither one of you will be mad but I will deal with anything...except losing you. That is not an option.

I love you Riley Matthews and I hope by this time tomorrow... I'm able to tell you.

Lucas

Riley-

Too late... I'm too late.

Please tell me I haven't completely lost you

How did I not realize that I was completely losing you?

How? Why? What do I do now?

I can't catch my breath... everything hurts. You were up all night talking to a guy... a guy that wasn't me. For months, I've agonized over the loss of our conversations. I've hoped and prayed that we would get back to us. I never imagined it would be too late. Never imagined that I would lose you. I can't lose you...I just can't... I'm stunned. I think it would have hurt less if you hugged him. OMG...you didn't hug him, did you?

Talking is our thing. You said I'm your favorite person to talk to... just like you are mine. You can talk to whoever you want Riley...just wish you wanted to talk to me. I'm going stir crazy... I need to get out of here. I need to cool off. I can't believe this is happening...

Riley-

Conversation…. Conversation is the most important thing in a relationship. It is one of the main things I've missed about ours. I've talked to her, she knows that for me…it's you...it's always been you. She knows why I couldn't "decide". Knows that I didn't want to hurt either of you. She even knows how I feel about you though I won't say it until I'm ready…until I'm sure that you are ready to hear it. I am heading to look for you now. I can't wait to talk to you. To tell you that my favorite thing in the world is when you talk to me. I'm so ready to tell you I choose you (I always did) and I hope that you choose me too.

I love you Riley Matthews… Always

Lucas

Riley-

You are sleeping now, your head resting on my shoulder. We are about 2 hours outside of NYC and I don't want this bus trip to ever end. I'm still on cloud 9. I can't tell you how happy I am that you chose me too. I am looking forward to being "RileyandLucas" again. I have felt like a part of me has been missing since we went to Texas. I wasn't kidding when I said I think about us a lot. You are constantly on my mind. Safe to say, that's not going to change anytime soon but now there should only be happy thoughts.

This trip could've ended in disaster…instead? I got everything I have been hoping for… you. As dopey as it sounds, I can't wait to tell my mom & Pappy Joe that my best friend (and now girlfriend) is back.

Our friends and your family are blowing up my phone. I'm going to answer their texts while you nap. This way I can give you my full attention when you wake up.

I love you Riley Matthews…. Always

Lucas

GMW GMW GMW GMW GMW GMW GMW GMW GMW GMW GMW GMW GMW

Tears silently streaming down her face, Riley pushes back from the computer, stands and turns towards the door. She stops in her tracks when she sees Lucas standing there.

"Hi" she mumbles as she tries to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"Hey" he whispers back as he fights to run to her.

"Hi"

After her second broken Hi, she runs to him & jumps in his arms. Wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist, she buries her face in his chest and lets the tears flow.

Lucas sits down on the edge of Farkle's bed, and holds her tightly while she cries.

"Shhhh... calm down Bean." He whispers in her ear. When the tears slow, he tries to lift her face to his but she won't let him.

"Riley?" he asks trying to get her attention.

"How did you know I was here?"

"Farkle. Been here a bit. I got here around the time you read the New Year's letter."

She rapidly lifts her head and stares into his eyes... "I thought you may have been here. I swear I could feel you" she blushes as she drops her gaze.

"I was here. And trust me Princess, I can feel your presence as soon as you get anywhere close to me." He tells her as he raises his hands to her face and uses his thumbs to wipe away the tears.

"Why didn't you tell me you were here?"

"Farkle didn't want me to. He wanted you to read all of the letters. Wanted you to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you were it for me. Always have been. There was no decision needed."

"I'm sorry..." Riley trails off.

"For what?"

"For putting you through all of that. I honestly never thought about things from your side. I'm just used to putting her first."

"I know you are... just like I put you first."

They are quiet for a moment, content to be in each other's arms...

"Hey Bear?"

"Yeah Bean?"

"How about we both put US first?" she asks with a shy smile.

"I like the sound of that." He replies with a crooked grin.

Riley sighs as she snuggles back into his chest and rests her head over his heart.

"Lucas! Your heart is racing!"

"Of course, it is! You're close so it's beating its Riley rhythm"

She giggles and his heart skips a beat. It really is his favorite sound.

"I wish I knew what trouble was in store for us from the beginning." She murmurs as she snuggles her cheek into his chest.

He lifts her chin and waits until her eyes meet his...

"I'm glad I didn't know. It would have been too easy to walk away when things got tough. Not knowing made it fighting for us even more important. All I know is that while it hasn't been easy for us? I know, without a doubt, this is where we are meant to be. I will say that there was a time or two, I just wanted to throw you over my shoulder and run. While I didn't want to hurt her? I would've if it came down to hurting her or losing you." Riley places her hands on his face and pulls him down to her for a gentle kiss much like she did on their first date. It makes his heart race just as much as it did the first time.

"Reading those letters, you wrote to me alternately destroyed me and put me back together. I thought the one from New Year's Day was the worst but the ones from the Ski Lodge?"

"You mean the ones before our bay window moment, right?"

"Yeah, they gutted me. I don't know how you didn't lose faith in us."

"I couldn't give up on us. I had to believe that the fates wouldn't take you from me."

"You know what meant the most to me? That you took the time to write out your feelings even though you thought I would never read them...you wrote them as if you were sending them to me. The one letter where you wrote about our "moments" and what they meant to you? Swoon worthy stuff right there."

"I wanted you to know that all of those moments meant something to me too. I wrote those letters to cope with not having my best friend. I sent them to Farkle so I wouldn't send them to you in a moment of weakness. I'm sure our classmates all had something negative to say about what happened. All have comments about how "torn" I was. My first and last concern was you. I was so afraid that you would be hurt, no matter what I did, that I was too scared to do anything."

They both sit quietly for a moment and reflect on what they have been through.

"Hey Riles?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you say to us going to your house, snuggling on the couch and watching TV?"

"I love that idea Bear. We can watch cuddle bunnies or the game..."

"Let's watch cuddle bunnies..."

"What? I thought for sure you'd pick the game."

"See the thing is... if we watch the game... you will be jumping around yelling at the TV. We watch cuddle bunnies... we stay snuggled together so there's a method to my madness Bean. I went way too long without you." He leans in to rest his forehead against hers.

"Devious Mr. Friar... I love it and I love you." She replies with her trademark grin.

Lucas is certain his heart stops for a moment before it starts racing again. He's not sure what he ever did in this life or any previous one, to warrant having her in his life but he's damn sure thankful she is.

"I love you Riley Matthews... ALWAYS."

 _"... dad! Earth to dad!"_

 _Logan's teenaged voice finally penetrates Lucas's trip down memory lane._

 _"Sorry bud." Lucas replies with a shake of his head. Hard to believe how many years have passed since Texas._

 _"Did Uncle Farkle really tell everyone that mom loved you?"_

 _"Yes, he did."_

 _"He kept all of those letters you sent her too? Uncle Farkle rocks!"_

 _"Yes, he did and yes he does. He is best friends with both your mom & I. It was Uncle Farkle that helped me through everything. He took care of your mom when I couldn't."_

 _"He may have done that but you almost turned back into Texas Lucas when someone was bullying her. You broke Nana's counters! You're lucky she didn't sue you!"_

 _Lucas smiles and agrees "Very lucky. But she knew it was because I was worried about your mom."_

 _"You must have really loved her. You almost became someone you didn't like to protect her."_

 _"I really did and I still do._ _Your mom & I didn't always have the fairytale. She could've chosen someone else but we chose each other. Guess she thought I was worth it."_

 _"WE were worth it." Riley adds from where she is leaning in the doorway. She walks in and sits in Lucas's lap. Lucas can't help but marvel that after all these years, his heart still does its Riley rhythm when she is near. Every day he swears it's not possible to love her anymore and every day he is wrong._ _All it takes is a quick glance and he is right back to that fateful morning on the subway._

 _Logan can't help but smile to see that as soon as his mom sits, his dad wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her in close. She immediately starts to trace the tattoo on his shoulder. When he was younger, Logan used to be embarrassed by how affectionate his parents were. His uncles Farkle & Zay would tell him stories of how cheesy his parents were when they were kids. He knows now that it's not them being cheesy. It's instinct. They are always touching each other or exchanging little kisses. Logan knew that his parents had and continue to have an epic love story. Flawed and selfless at times but flawless and selfish at others._

 _After Riley nestles into her husband's lap, she continues_

 _"If your dad and I are successful parents? We will teach you that you have to be carefree yet responsible, happy yet humble. That life is about the long game. That the wrong pressure can turn_ _diamonds into dust and we are diamonds. it's about how people change people, but how words never should. That the perception of a thing doesn't make it so. That you should Dream. Try. Do Good. That you shouldn't put someone else's happiness before your own. That there is a difference between friendly love and a love built on friendship. your feelings are just as important…just as worthy. That if you don't love yourself? How can you expect anyone else to? That when you find it? You chase love. You hold onto it with both hands and you don't let it throw you."_

 _"We will make sure you know which wolf to feed and which to starve. And above all else? No matter what happens, no matter how many shoes her father takes from your feet, you mustn't ever give up hope."_

 _"It's time for you to meet the world and make it your own." Riley tells her oldest child as she feels a little pang in her heart. She now knows first-hand how hard it was for her parents to let her meet the world. Times have changed and life is much different here in Texas._

 _"Will you be there?"_

 _"We will be right here Bubba... ALWAYS"_

 _As they turn the light off and start to leave his room... they could hear Logan on the phone "Uncle Farkle? Thank you for everything you have done for my mom & dad. We love you too. Now tell me all about how the Genius & Sherpa boy ended the triangle."_

 _With a quiet chuckle, Lucas leans his forehead on Riley's" You have made every wish come true. You & our kids are my whole world. Thank you for choosing me." He murmurs quietly._

 _"You guys are my whole world too Bear. I couldn't be happier that I chose us. I love you Lucas Friar... ALWAYS."_

 _Riley and Lucas walk down the hallway hand in hand stopping to peek in on the rest of their sleeping children._

 _With a quick glance to the heavens above Lucas sends a silent thank you to the man who raised the love of his life. Thanks him for stealing his shoes and for teaching him what_ _it means to be a good man, a great father and a great husband. For teaching him that when it is the right woman? Even walking the streets of NYC barefoot would be like walking on a cloud._

 _As they snuggle into the bed for the night, Lucas turns to Riley and tells her_

" _I love you Riley Friar...Always"_


	11. Dear Santa

A/N: I received a request for a Christmas Chapter in the Forwarded to Farkle Universe. Originally published as Dear Santa.

Merry Christmas all!

"Riley-

I'm sitting on my bed, staring out my window…wondering where you are & what you are doing. Wondering if you miss me even a fraction of how much I miss you. In one of my hands is a snow globe with your picture. I took the picture without you knowing about it. I had hoped it would be my gift to you this year. I wanted you to be able to "experience" snow whenever you wanted. In the other? A silly mistletoe headband… I had hoped that we would be a couple this year and I would get to give you lots of mistletoe kisses. Instead, I'm sitting here wondering how things went so far off track. Wondering how I could have been so wrong…

My mom is playing Christmas music and I immediately think of you. "They're singing "Deck The Halls" But it's not like Christmas at all I remember when are you were here And all the fun we had last year"

I can't help but wonder, will we ever be as close as we were last Christmas? Will I ever get my best friend back or will I forever relate to every sad Christmas lyric?

Do you remember last year? We window shopped on 5th Avenue. Sang Christmas Carols in the park, had a snowball fight and then ended up making snow angels. Remember getting our pictures taken with Santa? How about when we played tourists and took a horse-drawn carriage ride through the snow in Central Park?

As happy as I was to do all of that with you, the thing I remember most, the thing that I miss this year? Watching your eyes light up as you talk about the season. Didn't matter if we were having hot chocolate at your mom's place, sitting in your window or on your roof watching the snow fall (have to admit that was my favorite… the rosy cheek look suits you) as soon as you started to talk about it being Christmas you got so excited. Listening to you talk about how to pick out the perfect gift for someone was so genuine and heartfelt it stayed with me. In fact- it resonated so strongly with me that I've decided that the perfect gift for me this year? You…. in whatever capacity I can have you in. That is my only wish this year. I miss you, Riley.

I wonder if I would get a response to this letter….

"Dear Santa-

I'm sending you this letter to tell you that I've been good this year (well most of the time anyway). Things are different since you've been here last. The things I've wished for in the past were all the trinkets and toys a child wants. Childhood dreaming is a thing of the past. The only things I want this year? First is the continued health and happiness of my family & friends. The second? I want my best friend Riley back.

She's still physically around but she doesn't really talk to me anymore. My most favorite thing is when she talks to me. She is truly my favorite person in the world to talk to. She said that she wanted to be able to talk to me but in reality? That's not how it is… at all. While ultimately I would love for us to be more than just friends I would be grateful if things just went back to the way they were. Since I can't tell her… I'll tell you. I'm in love with Riley Matthews…Just wish I could tell her."

Lucas Friar

December 24,2015


End file.
